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Stratahawk
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Country: United States
State: North Carolina
Birthday: 4/22/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: My interests include reading, writing, graphic design, web design, animals, music, literature, art, horseback riding, etc...
Expertise: There is no field that I have any real expertise in, but I plan to change that. Why else go to college?
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/30/2005
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| Dear Journal, I don't like who I am, what I've become. I wake up every morning trying to hide within the confines of my room because deep inside I know I hate myself. I hate myself and I hate so many other things. I am full of so much hatred but I turn it all on myself and it becomes self-loathing. I am clueless. I am still a child in so many ways because I've spent so many years bottled up in my own little world and I've neglected to go out and experience the real world. I shouldn't say that I haven't experienced the real world, I have experienced some of it, none of it good. Sexual assault, disease, failure. I've seen so many of the horrors that wait for me in the real world all through out my life that I've become afraid of the real world. I've seen so much weakness in my life, so much failure that I think I've become afraid of succeeding. Or maybe I don't think I can succeed. Maybe I don't think there can be any happiness in the real world. Is it wrong to want to stay a child? Is it wrong to want to hold onto the days when you had no cares or worries, the time in your life when everything was a game and you could let your imagination run wild? I had so many dreams and fantasies then, dreams I quickly learned would never come true, no matter how hard you work. No matter what I do, I will always be sick, I can't change that. No amount of medication will make me well again, so I ask myself, why bother? All I'm doing is postponing the inevitable. I'm causing my family more pain and suffering by them having to deal with my medical conditions. Medical bills, paying for medications, paying to keep me well. They're suffering because of me. They're going broke because of me. And in the end, all they'll have to show for it is an extended lease on a life that won't amount to anything. I gave up so long ago, I just didn't want to admit to myself that I had. I wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe I could be happy. But there's no happiness in this world. All this world has to offer is pain and eventually death. Why not go sooner rather than later? If I go sooner, they don't have to worry about me anymore. There's no more concern about finances. There's no more concern about whether I'm going to end up in the hospital when I get sick. They don't have to worry anymore. I am a burden to so many. I don't deserve life or love or happiness. I don't deserve anything, not even death. I deserve to suffer and maybe that's why I continue to live, to punish myself. I've always been so good at punishing myself. My parents always tried to punish me, I guess they never realized that they didn't need to because I was already punishing myself. I was already destroying myself from the inside out. I'm trying to go to therapy to get better and I thought it was helping but now I know it's not. I'm too far gone to be helped. There's too much self-loathing within me to get rid of it all. I have always hated myself and I always will. I'll always wish that I could be someone else, someone better, someone healthier and stronger. But I will always be the weakling that hides in her own little world. I am weakness. I am self-loathing... | | |
| Alright, so it's been awhile since I've updated, guess I'm not really good at keeping a journal. Anywho, a lot of stuff has gone on. I'll try cover it all. I'm still going to college and doing fairly well. I'm taking another psych class, re-taking my theatre appreciation class as well as math, and I'm taking Western Civ. I think I may actually do better this semester in math, my instructor this year is much better than the previous two. I think Western Civilization is going to be great, I love my instructor for that class, he's a sarcastic asshole and he amuses the hell out of me. I'm starting to get lazy though and that's not good. I'm still seeing a therapist and it's going rather well. My therapy sessions are really important to me, they give me a chance to talk about things going on in my life with someone who can help me work through my problems and try to fix them. It's nice to have someone who has answers for once. I'm working, though I may quit my current job for another one. The way my manager is scheduling me now, I just can't handle it, not with classes and homework and trying to find time to maintain my virtually non-existant social life. Besides, I don't really like working with half the people I work with and I don't like the job that much. Jackie told me that a guy she used to work for that has a book store needs new employees and I'm thinking about getting a job there. It would be much more suited to my personality. Speaking of Jackie, she's moved in with me and is staying in my bedroom. It's kind of crowded but I don't really mind. When she's here I have someone to talk to and I think I need that right now. Now that Jackie's moved in and I've actually had a chance to spend time with Josh, I'm starting to realize just how lonely I get when no one else is around. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Sometimes I miss the old days, when I could sit alone at home for hours and enterain myself without ever wanting anyone else's company. And as for Josh, I'm worried that things are going to fall apart on me. Things always go wrong in my relationships and I don't want anything to go wrong this time, but I dunno, deep down I wonder if Josh and I are drifting apart. I'm always afraid that he's going to get bored with a long distance relationship or that some other girl will catch his eye. The fears confuse me, they make me want to regret things, they make me question things. I'm burned out. I need a vacation bad, a change of pace, a change of anything. I wish I wasn't so weak, I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being physically weak and sickly. I hate myself for not being more assertive. I hate myself for not being able to cope. I need to stop being so lazy and actually bring abou the changes that I need in my life. I'm depressed again, I can feel it... The only bright thing in my life right now is that I'm actually going to get to visit Josh and meet his parents. I can't wait to see Josh again, I can't help but feel happy and safe when I'm with him. | | |
| I feel more alone now than I've ever felt in the past. Seeing the one I love, spending time with him, I got a taste of something, something that I've been missing for a long time. I am a detatched person, I have trouble exposing myself to others. When I get close to people, I always end up backing off for fear of being hurt. This time, it's different. I got a taste of companionship and love, while he was here, I didn't feel alone. Now that he's gone home and the distance lies between us again, that feeling of lonliness has returned and it's greater than before. I miss the comfort that he brought me, the sense of security. I miss having someone to hold me. I am much like a child in that I long for that human contact that children are supposed to get, contact I never had.Growing up, I grew up fast, and I had to learn to be tough. I bottled things up inside and hid behind jokes and fake smiles, anything to keep my mother from crying, because I couldn't stand to see her tears, to see her hurt, especially if it was because of me. Bottle up, hide the pain so that I can help others. Sacrifice it all for others, so that I don't have to see them hurt, see them cry. Or is it that I don't want to see myself cry? Is it that I don't want to cry? I have no shoulder to cry on, I can't turn to them because I have to be their shoulder, their strength. But, for the briefest moment, I found a source of strength, a warm body to cling to, and silenctly, secretly, I poured my heart out to him, drew strength from him, cried unshed tears on his shoulder. I let myself become weak and I submitted to him, so that he could show me what I had been missing, longing for all these years. And for a brief moment, I knew what it was to not be alone, to have someone who was truly there for me, and though I never shed a tear, I cried inside. | | |
| Sometimes I feel that there's a darkness in my soul, like a shadow looming over me, waiting for me to sink into its dark depths. I've always been attracted to the more morbid things in life. Death, depression, violence, blood, suicide, murder, rape, etc. All of these things appeal to me in a way I can't describe. I always chalked it up to a morbid sense of humor, to being different, but could it be more? Could there be something wrong with me? I've always tried to be a good person, to help people, and I care deeply for those I love, to the point that I would sacrifice myself for them, I would probably sacrifice myself for a total stranger. But why then, do I have this obsession with such horrific things? Is it my way of venting frustration, and expression of another part of myself that I don't or can't physically act upon. Is it possible that I've buried my true nature because I know it's wrong? Many people say that we all have a darker side, many of us choose not to give in to that darker side but I wonder what would happen if I did. Would I enjoy it? That dark side, it scares me and yet excites me at the same time.
Written on January 12, 2006 (1:07 a.m.) | | |
| Dear Journal,
I feel depressed. I have no self-confidence. Everything I write turns out to be crappy and depressing. The layout for my website is crappy. My graphics are crappy. Everyone keeps telling me they're not, but I honestly think they're just trying to make me feel better. Why can't I be better? Why do I feel like such a failure in general? And why do I feel like no one really gives a shit about what I say or do?
Fin... | | |
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